Not Your Typical Options

Eating has taken on an almost sport-like quality.  The object of the game is to stay under the calorie goal for the day, while still eating food that has a taste that won't make me feel like I am missing out on the 'good stuff,' and eating a quantity that won't make my tum-tum feel empty all the time.  This is a game of trial an error, and sometimes the error will smack you right in the ass.

I may have written about the day that I thought I had enough calories left to have dessert at Applebee's.  Even after dinner I had like 800 calories left, so I ordered the ice cream with a cookie. It was delicious! Then I plugged it into myfitnesspal and saw it was 1500 calories!  Smack!

It's the little things that make the difference.  I grew up eating Mayo on pretty much everything. Sandwiches, artichoke, tomatoes, tuna, hot dogs and sometimes on salads. I could have eaten mayo by the spoon full and not batted an eye.  I said goodbye to mayo long ago, but before I started this life-change, it was cheese on everything.  Now I have to make a decision. Do I put a slice of cheese on my sandwich, or be able to eat a quarter cup of trail mix later today?  I'll take the trail mix every time.

Some other little choices that are helping me win the sport of eating right:  Using non-fat sour cream on sandwiches instead of another condiment.  Marie's Yogurt Dressing on my salads.  It is creamy and flavorful without all the calories and fat.  Kellogg's Fiber Plus Antioxidants is the best cereal I have found.  It only has 26 total carbs, nine of which are dietary fiber, and the cinnamon flavor reminds me of the sugary cereals of my youth, but without all the calories.  Of course MGD 64 for when I need a beverage after work, but don't want to kill my dinner calories.

These are a few of my new food choices.  Leave a comment and tell me about your good choices.

Kindle Fire!

Thank you to those that could donate for my entry into the Kindle Fire drawing.  I received about $1200 in about 30 hours for 24 entries into the drawing.  I will let you all know if I win.

Your support means so much to me!

Running, Jogging, Laboring

Running.  This is what I did in Jr High when I was part of the Track and Field team.  I ran the two mile race and although I did not win much, I improved and ended the season with a decent time.  Running four miles was nothing for me.  I would run four miles, and when I finished, I wasn't breathing hard nor was I fatigued.

Jogging. This is what I did when I was still somewhat athletic.  I jogged to warm-up for a football practice.  I jogged to burn calories after a day of bad decisions in my eating.  I jogged to the gym, lifted weights, and jogged home.  I would sometimes jog out of boredom because it was easy and people on TV said I should be active.

Laboring.  That is what I did yesterday.  I have been feeling good lately.  Feeling like my inner-athlete is trying to get out.  I want him to get out; I need him to get out.  So I set my alarm for 6:30am and drove the 7 minutes to my school to use the workout room.  I used the elliptical trainer for 20 minutes, but then listened to my inner-athlete bagging on the layers of fat.  After 20 minutes on the elliptical, I hopped off and went out to the track.  "I can do this," I desperately tried to convince myself.

I started running, like I did in Jr High.  This feels good. My inner-athlete was happy...for about 75 meters.  Then my body said, "Uhh, no."  I slowed down to a jog.  That seemed to work for the next 300 meters, but then it became laborious. I finished the full lap, laboring the final 25 meters.  I was breathing hard and felt fatigued.  I walked for a half-lap, and felt ready again. I started at a jog, and felt good for the first 350 meters, but labored through the final 50 meters of the lap.  I walked for a half-lap, and started again. This time my jog was a reduced version. Shorter strides, slower pace, but still a jog.  This worked well as I finished the full-lap feeling good.  I walked a half-lap, and started the reduced version of a jog again.  I was feeling good for 300 meters, but labored through the final 100 meters.

It's a start.  One mile jogged, with half-laps between each full-lap.  For now I will take it as a starting point, and use it as something to build on.

As always, thank you all for making this a reality for me. I could not have done this without your help, encouragement and love!

Finish Strong

Stepping on the scale this morning, I felt like I had made some good changes in my eating schedule and added steps to my day.  I am feeling a little spring in my step and a desire to try some activities that have been lost to me for quite sometime.  I even considered jogging for the first time in years. 

Luckily, or unluckily(time will decide), someone was already at the track at the high school.  Since this will be my first time jogging in years, and I am sure my muscle-memory for that activity is no longer in place and I am sure I will look like a fool; I chose to wait.  But why do you need a high school track to jog Big Guy?  This might be my own mental block, but I feel like my body reacts better with a rubber track under my feet, than with concrete when this much weight is coming down on them repeatedly.  It's coming soon, but no will appear video to prove it.

I have lost 7 pounds since my last weigh-in, and am down a total of 70 with about 40 days left.  I need to stay focused and make sure that after this "Final Official Weigh-in", I continue with this life-change.  My "Finish Strong" is to finish the rest of my life strong.  Not just these next 40 days.  I have developed good habits. I now think about food in terms of nutrients vs calories.  I have increased my activity and become a healthier me.  Finish Strong, for life!

I am down in Skamania for a student orientation training that another teacher and I will be leading next year.  Not the ideal spring break to be working, but I know it will be fun.  Problem is, every meal is buffet.  Dinner was lots of pasta dishes and steak dishes.  I had two helpings of garden salad.  I hope the options get better over the next 3 days!

I'm Feeling It

Reiterating what I have said in previous posts, I know my body pretty well.  I could tell my body hit a wall at the end of last month, and the night before my weigh-in I was talking with a friend on the phone and predicted a 2-3 pound weight-loss for those two weeks.  The next day was a 3 pound loss.  About a month earlier I was predicting a big number and that weigh-in was an 8 pound loss.

Tomorrow's weigh-in is a turning point for me I think.  I am bouncing off the wall that I hit at my last weigh-in.  I made some changes to my eating schedule.  Most importantly, I am trying to eat more at breakfast & lunch, and then less at dinner.  I am also trying to add more steps in my day.  You know that little thing that you have heard so many times in your life.  Add more steps and you'll be healthier.  Well I am finally putting that into action.  I am taking 15-20 minutes during my prep period at school to walk around campus, and after school I will either walk around the campus again, or take a walk in my neighborhood when I get home.  I am not as consistent as I want to be, but making the conscious effort is helping.

My body is starting to feel more like an athlete again.  My life before this weight-loss was a life of used-to-be.  I used to be a football player.  I used to be able to hike Mt. Si.  I used to be able to run a 5k.  I used to be able to put on my shoes without grunting. I used to be able to do a lot of things.  Those activities are coming back to my life, and life is good!

I am not going to predict another 8 pound loss, but I think a 6-7 pound loss will not be out of the realm of possibilities.  I won't be able to blog tomorrow as I will be driving down to Skamania Lodge for a student related training.  Not the way I was hoping to spend my Spring Break, but I volunteered for it because this will be good for kids.  So look for my post about my latest weigh-in on Monday.

Thanks for your support!

Happy Feet

Once I entered the 7th grade, finding shoes that fit me became difficult.  I always had large feet, but that summer they sprouted like weeds on the first sunny day in spring.  Back then to hear that someone was wearing a size 13 shoe meant that they were likely in the NBA, and probably six feet, six inches tall.  My mom had to trek me from mall to mall in search of a store with size 13 that didn't look like they were made for a geriatric with plantar fasciitis.  Nordstrom Rack, or Famous Footwear were our most successful stops.

Over the years, more and more people have feet that are growing into freakish sizes, which I guess makes it less freakish.  So more and more stores are carrying bigger shoes, but my feet kept growing and by the time I was a senior in high school, I was a size 15.  It got to the point that if we found a store with my size, we bought the shoes before I even laid my eyes on them.  I would walk into a store and ask if they had size 15, and the clerk would check the computer. "Yup, one pair of..."  And I would cut him off, "I'll take them."  There were years that my shoes looked like I had received them free, from the peace corp, after they were thrown from the back of a moving truck in a desolate country.

Then a few years ago I found an new shoe store that opened in Portland, Oregon.  They were hoping to set themselves apart by filling a much needed area of the shoe market.  They only sell sizes 14 and up.  They work with shoe companies to get large sizes in almost every brand and style.  They sell casual, athletic, sport, dress, sandal and everything in between.  Oddball.com became my favorite website.  I read an article about how NBA stars fly into Portland just for the shoe store.  One 1st round pick dropped over $100,000 on shoes.

They were trying to attract internet business, so they offered free shipping for their first year.  I was like a fat kid in a candy store who just found $50 on the ground.  I was buying basketball shoes even though I hadn't played basketball in years.  I bought dress shoes even though I never dress up.  I bought those cool brown leathery shoes that look like they have straps going at all angles.  I bought several different versions of them to be honest.  I had liked those shoes for years, but could never get them in my size. Now I have four different pairs, four different brands.  Then a few years ago, I bought a limited edition pair of shoes that I haven't even put on yet.  They are way too cool for day-to-day wear, so I am saving them for a special occasion.  It's been three years, still waiting...maybe my final weigh-in day.

My students noticed my shoe obsession a couple of years ago.  "Mr. Adams, do you have a shoe fetish?"  "Why?"  "I have kept track and you have worn a different pair of shoes for 12 straight school days."  I guess my students will pay attention to anything besides math.  Even my feet.

I have managed my small addiction and kept myself from buying shoes for the about a year. Until this week.  Now that I am lighter, feeling good and ready to ramp up my exercise, I needed some new shoes.  I bought a pair of walking shoes.  They are Nike, plenty of cushion and breath well.  I bought a pair of running shoes.  They are Adidas, plenty of cushion, really nice support, and breath very well.  Then a pair of trail-runners.  They are Puma, and I have never purchased trail-runners before, so I am not sure if they are good.  But they look awesome!

By The Numbers

I figured I am 4 months into this life-change and I have lost 60+ pounds, I should go see my doctor to make sure I am not doing something wrong, or losing weight at a rate that would be considered unhealthy.  I really like my Doc!  He is down to earth, he does not try and push the latest meds and he has a positive spin on just about everything.

Last Spring around this time, I was in to see him about some numbness in my hands.  I told him, "I think it is because I am sleeping differently and I may have pinched a nerve or something, but I am sure you'll tell me that I am diabetic now fatty!"  He chuckled and examined my extremities.  He came to the conclusion that I could be right about the sleeping idea because I was not showing any signs of carpal tunnel, and he doubted that I had diabetes.  I wanted to make sure, so we agreed to a blood draw.

Turns out, the Doc was right.  My glucose may have been on the high side of normal, but it was in the normal range.  He did suggest that I think about making some changes because it was on the high side, and my cholesterol was at 234, and 200 is kinda the magic number to stay under.  I remember a 2004 blood draw in which my cholesterol was at 170, so this 64 point jump made me worry a bit.  I think that minor scare helped encourage me to audition for Biggest Loser, and after missing that cut, to start thinking of other ways to get started on my life-change.  Hence you all.

I had sent my blog link to my Doc about a month into this weight-loss, just to see if he thought that first month of 24 pounds was too drastic and he said it sounded like I was doing it the right way, so keep going.  On this week's visit, I requested a blood draw to see where my numbers were, and determine if losing the weight also meant improved numbers.  The answer seems obvious, but I needed to see it to make sure.

After four months of eating better, exercising a little more and making healthy decisions, my cholesterol is down 75 points to 159, and my glucose has dropped 10 points!  Hello to a little more motivation!

Thank you all for being a part of something that is truly saving my life!

What We Feel, But Do Not Tell

I started this life-change by sending an open, very honest email to just about everyone whose email address I had in my gmail account.  At the time, that level of honesty was only shared with very few family and friends, and even then it was half-truths. I did not fully state the bad shape I was in mentally and physically.  I kept that hidden because it was embarrassing and I feared what others would think if they knew the whole story.

In actuality, this started long before that email.  This started long before I auditioned for Biggest Loser.  This started years ago, and only became public because of other life-changing experiences. 

In high school I suffered through a couple of "funks" in which I felt like I did not belong. Not ground breaking news for anyone that has attended high school, but it is not talked about by most people. The idea of feeling like shit for not fitting in, or not belonging was mocked by the "popular" kids.  I think I was part of the "popular" kids, but always felt like I was not doing, or saying what was "expected."  I felt I did not deserve my friends. I felt like I was not a good person. I did not meet some mythical standard.  Fear overwhelmed me.  (Special Thanks to Colin Rush. You know why!)

In college, more of the same, but not with the "popular" kids. Because who the hell knows what's popular in college?  You find people that have the same interests and values and form some unbreakable bonds.  I still had my "funks" where I felt like if I said the wrong things, or behaved the wrong way, I would be cast aside.  Although these "funks" were fewer and further between, they were still present.  After college, I moved back to the Seattle area, I suffered more and more from the feeling that I was not meeting standard.

"Funk, bad stretch, rough time, moody."  I hid behind these phrases for years.  They did not do it justice.  I was not doing myself justice.  I was suffering from depression. I felt it, but did not talk about it.  I knew it, but I didn't know it.  I am not trying to write in hyperbole.  It is hard to express how low I had sunk.

In the summer of 2006, I had a stretch in which I did not get off my couch for 13 days.  I didn't have the energy.  In order to be social, I would need to put on the "Ryan Show."  I would need to turn myself on, and behave like the Ryan people wanted, or how I perceived they wanted.  No one knew, because I would show up and be the person they had known for years. It was exhausting.  I would come home and collapse.  I decided that staying home was easier.  I convinced myself that people didn't really want to see me anyway.  Why would they?  I was not living up to standard.

In those 13 days, I sunk to my lowest.  I believed that no one really wanted to see me, know me, or be around me.  If they said, or did anything to the contrary, it was because they felt pity for me.  I had a plan to end the "Show" and to allow everyone off the hook for having to deal with me.  I would tell my family I was going to Oregon for the week.  I would tell my friends that I was going on a family trip.  That way no one would come look for me.  I had enough pain killers and muscle relaxers from my last lumbar injury to kill a horse.  I would just take a bath, and take the pills with a bottle of vodka.  I would not be saying goodbye to a cruel world.  I would be saying to goodbye to the false reality I had built around myself.

I stood in my bathroom, pills on the counter.  I did not intend to look, but I caught myself in the eyes in the mirror.  I saw the fear behind them.  I started to cry.  I called two people.  I could not form words. Only tears.  They did not know what to do. They just told me they loved me.  I believed them.  Not because of pity.  I believed the words.  I believed the feeling.  Thank you.

I have been in counseling off and on for nine years.  Who wants to admit that?  Most of us need it, but we do not say it.  If you hear one of your friends say they are in a funk, having a bad stretch, been moody lately, or going through rough times, please talk to them more.  Call them, stop by, take them to lunch.  Be their phone call when they can't form words.