Compelled

I don’t know how to explain the relentless need.  It is more than want. More than desire. More than craving. More than yearning.  Throughout my whole being it feels like an essential.  It feels like a requirement.  A necessity.  A prerequisite.  A demand.  (Over)Eating to me feels like an indispensible need that defines who I am as a person.

I am crippled under the compulsion to eat.  I feel like a prisoner to the unwavering need to eat.  If I am not currently eating, I am thinking about what I might eat next. What snacks are nearby? What can I make, pick-up, or go buy for my next meal?  Where are the left-overs?  Can I eat the left-overs before anyone else has a chance?  And then what will I eat after that?

While in a car with my brother and one of our friends from high school about 10-12 years ago I was trying to explain the constant need to eat.  Our friend accused me of making excuses and told me if I wanted to make my life better, just eat less.  My brother jumped in before I could respond and simple said, “It’s not that easy.”  “Sure it is! If you don’t like the feeling, you don’t like being this big, you are worried about your health, then stop fucking eating so much,” rang out from the backseat.  I wanted to fall through the floor of the car and get run over by the back tires.  Our friend is originally from Brazil and has always spoken with an accent. In my head I was thinking, “Why don’t you stop speaking with an accent?”  I know that would be an unreasonable request because as he would have said, “I have always spoken like this and you can’t just stop one day.”  Exactly.

I don’t remember a time when I didn’t feel this way.  It has been life-long.  As a child I remember wanting to be the first to wake up so I would be able to get a bowl of the “good” cereal before it was gone, and after that first bowl I would go get a bowl of my second favorite cereal.  And if no one else was up yet, a bowl of the cereal I didn’t even really like just so I could eat more.  I had to mix up the types of cereal, or else someone might catch on that I was eating three bowls.  Even at a young age, I knew eating this much was not right and this is where I started to learn how to hide my addiction.

In the late elementary grades my oldest brother had sports practice after school and my other older brother would be playing with friends in the neighborhood.  This would be my binge-eating window.  A bag of microwave popcorn, a bologna sandwich with mayo and cheese, mini-bagel pizzas and chips. This was a typical after school “snack.”  Even after eating all of that, as an 11 year old kid, I could only think about what Mom was going to make for dinner. 

For anyone that was a fan of the show West Wing, there is a scene where Leo McGarry is trying to explain to his lawyer what it is like to be an alcoholic.  If you don’t know the scene, or even if you do, watch it here before continuing this read.  https://youtu.be/Ma3d-YdLjCs

The way Leo describes how his brain works with alcohol is much the same way my brain works with food. 

I like the sound a steak makes when you flip it on the grill.  Wait too long and it is burned, turn too early and you don’t get the nice grilled flavor.

I don’t eat one slice of pizza.  I don’t understand people that only have one slice. People that say I’ve had enough. How do you not want more of this delicious goodness? How do you not want the whole pizza to yourself?

I don’t binge eat with people. I binge eat by myself. 

As I sit here and type this in my classroom at work, food is near the forefront of my mind.  Did someone bring treats into the office? Maybe I should go check.  Do I have any crackers left in my desk drawer?  Of course not!  I bet there is a teacher in the building who has snacks in their drawer…

Three years ago I started to change my life for the better. I asked friends and family to motivate me by sponsoring my weight loss with pledges of $1per pound, $2 per pound, etc. with the proceeds going to the American Cancer Society.  Over 100 people joined to motivate me and together $147 was donated for every pound I lost.  When it was all said and done $23,000 was donated. One year later, a better man than I, donated $23,000 because I was able to keep the weight off for a year.

Two weeks later, my appendix burst and I had emergency surgery. I was required to remain inactive for 3-4 weeks.  These two things, pain and inactivity are triggers for my food addiction.  I stumbled in my life change.  Two months later, I had my fifth herniation in my lower back.  After 5 weeks of pain and inactivity, I had surgery and required another 3-4 months of low activity.  More triggers.  One month after the spinal surgery, I needed oral surgery. Quite painful and required rest.  More triggers.

These may sound like a list of excuses, and all I can say is you may be right.  But I doubt you have ever struggled with an addiction.  For me, changing my eating habits is like trying to handwrite an essay with my left hand. Everyday. All day.  My muscle memory wants to pick up the pen with the right hand.  My left hand feels awkward and clumsy. Eventually it’s just easier to switch to the right hand.

Now I am in this horrible, never ending circle of depression, guilt and embarrassment.  I feel like my friends and family that supported me through my previous efforts feel like I swindled them out of their money.  Like I knew I would lose 85 pounds and just put it right back on. Like I didn’t even try to maintain my life change.  I’m embarrassed. I want to crawl in a hole.  The shame is immense.  I want the addiction to go away. I want the triggers to be reduced to ash.  I want my loved ones to know that I tried. I really did.  But in the end, tried is not good enough.

In that same episode of West Wing Leo McGarry said the following, "I went to rehab, my friends embraced me when I got out. You relapse it's not like that. 'Get away from me.' That's what it's like." No one has said this to me of course, but I can’t help feeling like it fits with my addiction and history.  I must do better. 

Relay, Relay, Relay For Life

I do not remember if I wrote about how I got involved in Relay For Life, so I will do it now because I do not feel like searching through all of my old posts.

It would be an easy answer to say that I got involved in Relay because my Mom is a cancer Survivor.  She was diagnosed with skin cancer on her leg a long time ago.  The doctors cut a chunk of flesh from her calf and she was cancer free.  Mom does not like to call herself a Survivor because she did not have to go through chemo or radiation, but I remind her that people today do not get large chunks removed from their legs anymore.  The surgeries are far less intensive and people with her type of skin cancer are happy to have simpler procedures, and it is because of the gains made from research funded by the American Cancer Society that have led to these breakthroughs.  Mom, you were told, "You have cancer."  And you are still here; you're a Survivor!

It would be an easy answer to say that I got involved in Relay because I have lost a few aunts and uncles to cancer, including my Aunt Grace.  She is my Dad's sister, and my cousin Adam and I are the same age.  I remember once growing up Adam and I were playing board games on the floor if his bedroom. Aunt Grace came in and asked us if we wanted something to eat, and I asked for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  Aunt Graces took the plural, sandwiches, quite seriously.  She came back with a platter of PB&Js all cut in half withe crust removed.  So good!  We lost Grace to cancer 7 years ago.

Although these are two reasons I remain involved in Relay, they are not the reason I got started.  When I was 23 years old, in grad school and working three jobs, my best friend Brenda was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer.  At the time, her form of cancer had a 5% chance of living 5 years.  As scary as that was to hear about my best friend, I can't imagine how she felt being told that by her doctor.  I witnessed how hard chemo is on a person's body.  I saw how much pain radiation could cause to a person's skin.  I felt helpless watching Brenda not be able to keep food down.  Helpless as she felt like getting out of bed was an overwhelming chore.  Helpless that everything she ate tasted like metal.

I tried to make her days brighter.  I brought her Coke Slurpees, her favorite.  I would bring over the latest comedy albums to lay in bed with her, listen and hope to laugh.  I would drive her to appointments, and read Motherhood magazines in the waiting room.  Not a lot of choice at some of the doctor's offices she needed to visit.  When she felt up to it, we went for walks.  When she felt up to it, we went out to dinner.  Through all of it, I still felt helpless.  I could not take her cancer away.

Her battle lasted a few years, and I moved on from grad school and started working at Skyview Jr High, where Relay For Life of Northshore is held each year.  I walked to the office to ask questions and was directed to Frank Dellino's office. He is a counselor there and was on the planning committee for Relay.  He told me about the event and spoke passionately about the cause.  I was sold.  I asked Brenda if I could form a team in her honor.  She replied, "Only if I can be your Co-Captain!"

9 years later, Brenda is cancer free.  She works for the American Cancer Society, and I have been Event Chair for the Northshore event for three years.  I believe the work that we do at Relay is making a difference. I truly believe that we will have a cure for cancer in my lifetime!  Remember Brenda's odds?  5% chance at 5 years.  That type of cancer now has a 60% chance.  That is progress!

Relay For Life of Northshore is tomorrow!  We have some new attractions and some ceremonies that are amazing.  I would like to see all of you there if even for only a moment.  As Event Chair, I am usually running around like a mad man, but I will give you a hug and say thanks!  If you have kids, bring them to our Kid's Fair from 2-4:30pm.

In my last post, I suggested that of you felt inclined to, you could donate because I kept my weight off for a year.  A few people have felt so inclined.  Thank you!!
I am gonna be more direct now, I am asking you to donate.  Our event has a Goal of $200,000, which would make us Mega-Event Status.  Looking at our numbers compared to last year, we are projected to come in a little short...that is until you all come through with some more cancer fighting, life saving funds!  Use the link below and help us save more lives!

http://main.acsevents.org/goto/radams

A Year Down, A Life Time To Go

May 25th 2013

One year ago I finished a six month challenge with myself and 127 friends and family to motivate myself to live a healthier life.  I changed the ways I shopped for food, cooked food, ordered food, and the ways I thought about activities, participated in activities and engaged myself in an active lifestyle. In those six months, I lost 85 pounds and felt blessed to have the support of so many people.  The 127 people that "sponsored" my weight-loss were not the only ones that made this possible.

Friends and family that were not in a position to give money offered emotional support, encouragement and offers of walks, hikes, recipes and the so appreciated compliments on how good I was looking.  Then one of the most generous people I know stepped up and said, I think we need to make sure this lifestyle change sticks.  Adam Eaton, a friend since we met when I was at Linfield and rooming with his cousin and his high school buddy, said this to me:

"What you are doing is great. The cause for cancer is great. The thing that is more important to me, is you. Your longevity is more important than the money you raise by losing weight. Being healthy, and living longer is worth more than anything I could donate to your weight loss." 

"So I propose this, to make sure that this life-change is not done after the 6 months, after your final weigh-in, and all the money is raised, if you can keep the weight off, or lose more for a full year, I will match everything you raised next year."

Yesterday, I weighed in to see if I met his challenge.  I was nervous, and here is why.  This has been one of the most challenging years of my life.  Teaching has been challenging with my group of kids this year.  I was part of starting two new programs at school this year.  I am again, the Event Chair for Relay For Life of Northshore.  And for those of you that are not aware, I found love!  I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with Kirsten Kenyon!  We have been dating since December and I want to spend every minute of everyday with her...

Kirsten is noticing that most of my weekday time is at school. I have averaged 11.5 hours at school every work day this year.  She is also notices that every weekend morning I have Relay meetings with people from my committee or in the community.  Then week day evenings are often used for speaking engagements.  I have been speaking at many Relay events across Western Washington this year, and also for schools. Last week I was the Keynote Speaker at the high school's Honors Society Induction.  What little time we have together is cherished.  But the stress and busyness has made living healthy even more challenging.

During football season, I tailgate at Husky Games.  I watched my weight grow a couple pounds a month during the fall, and then a couple more in the winter holiday season.  I asked Kirsten to help me stay focussed on being healthy through the Spring.  I did not want to do anything drastic to make sure I was at the 85 pounds mark by May 25th.  That's not fair to Adam and his generosity.  So we started going for more walks, ordering more salads, and tracking my food more diligently.  All of the small things that make a big difference.

I weighed in yesterday and was down 86 pounds since I started this journey.  I feel like this was a lifestyle change and not a lose it quick scheme.  I have good days and bad days. I have good weeks and bad weeks. But as long as I maintain an active lifestyle with healthy shopping and eating, I can maintain my weight-loss and hopefully start losing more at a healthy pace.

I know this challenge was set by Adam Eaton, but I wanted to offer it up to all of you.  If you feel so inclined, Adam is matching the $15,000 that I raised last year, and if you want to match what you donated last year because I kept the weight off. Or if you want to donate half of, or a portion of what you donated last year.  My fundraising goal is $25,000 and I am sitting at $5500.  Use the link below and let's create a world with More Birthdays and Less Cancer!

Thank you all for all the love and support!

Click here to donate.

I Am Afraid To Fail

This is my 3^rd year as Relay For Life Event Chair and 4^th year on the planning committee.  Last summer, after Relay, I was contemplating stepping down from Relay all together.  The organizing, recruiting and fundraising became too much time, effort and stress.  I needed a year “off.”

Then two close friends of my age, mid-30’s, were diagnosed with breast cancer.  Both required surgery for removal of one or both breasts.  The time, effort and stress involved with Relay seemed less important to me.

This school year, I have two students that are cancer survivors.  I have 6 students who have at least one parent fighting cancer right now!  Each one has required surgery.  And each student has been impacted by their parent’s fight with cancer.  I continually wish I could do more to support my friends who are batting cancer.  I continually wish I could do more to support my students who are watching their parent battle cancer.

Relay is my way to show them I care!  Yet, this year, I feel like I am failing. 

Did you know that the State of Washington uses 3^rd grade reading scores to predict how many jail cells they will need 20 years down the road?   We use similar data to predict how much our Relay will raise each year.  We look at how many teams are signed up by, and how many people are near the $100 minimum by the T-Shirt deadline, which is this Friday April 12^th.

Right now I am scared…I am scared to fail for my friends.  I am scared to fail for my students.  I am scared to fail for everyone in the Northshore community that has been touched by cancer.  We are down 15 teams, and down nearly 100 people approaching the $100 minimum compared to last year.

This year, we set a Goal to become a Mega-Event.  That’s fundraising $200,000.  Less than 5% of Relays Nationwide reach this status, and we have an opportunity to be elite in the fight against cancer!  Northshore Relay For Life has a reputation for finishing the Relay season strong!  We are known for setting records and bringing the funds when it really counts!  Well, it’s time!

Each person reading this post knows at least one person that has never signed up for Relay.  Each person reading this post knows at least one person that has never done any fundraising for a cancer cure.  I am asking for your help!

If you have not signed up yourself yet, please sign up!

If you have not started fundraising yet, please start with an email.

If you have not attended a Team Rally, come to Tuesday’s Rally. At Skyview JH, 7pm.

If you know someone who participated last year, and they have not signed up yet, talk to them.  Don’t nag them.  Speak passionately about why we Relay! 

I Relay to Celebrate, Remember and Fight Back!  I need your help.  Our Survivors need your help.  The people in our community battling cancer need your help.

www.relayforlife.org/northshorewa

Our front page has more info on upcoming Rally’s, Fundraisers and ways to get involved.  Let’s make Hope Happen!

Thank you for reading!

Approaching 10,000 Views

I had a bad day yesterday.  Not necessarily with my health and nutrition, but with my motivation and attitude.  I have been working a lot of hours on both Relay For Life and teaching my students.  I am spending 11-12 hour days at school pretty consistently, and sometimes I question whether it is all worth it.  Does it matter if every student understands why you multiply the exponents when a power is raised to a power?  Will all of this extra time on Relay get us to Mega-Event status?

My past history tells me to be careful when I have a bad day because I know this can spiral into a "funk", which can lead to another depression state.  I need to isolate the reasons why I had a bad day, and justify my time, work and interactions.  I need to keep a positive perspective on each experience and know that the outcomes from my time and work, even if they are minute, have benefits.

I was reminded today, that people are still checking my blog to see how I am doing.  People want to know if I need help with my exercising, or accountability for my eating. People still care about my progress.  Last month 189 people checked my blog, and I have not written a thing.  I feel the warmth of their love and support.  Those 189 views just made today a good day!

9,800 total views.  That is a lot of love and caring!

More Out Than In

Thank you for the Thank you!

A long-time friend recently made a sizable donation to my Relay For Life efforts this year.  I sent him a sincere thank you for his very generous donation, and his reply spoke me.  We all do our part to better this world.  My efforts are more in your face, but they would mean nothing if people like you did not follow-up with conversations, donations or actions.  I raise money, volunteer as event chair and organize youth to take action.  Others donate, tell stories about Relay and/or attend fundraisers.  Together we make a difference!

"Ryan,

 

The donation is the easy part.  You set the tone and inspiration with your leadership towards finding a cure.  I am happy to support this cause as Cancer has taken too many of our close family and friends.  I hope that our generation can find that cure to provide a brighter future for our children's generation.

 

Motivating and Dominating as always my friend!"

Storytelling, Speaking Or Inspiring?

Storytelling is a skill, an art form and revered in every culture since the beginning of time.  To paint a picture with words, gestures, expressions and emphasis at just the right time.  To captivate an audience, or least hold their attention for more than two minutes.  People who possess these skills are known by their friends and family as the storytellers.

I have been told I have these skills, and I think it is one of the qualities that makes me a great teacher.  I can make Algebra sound interesting and fun to group of students who do not want anything to do with it but are legally obligated to master it.  It's part of the teaching art form.

Back to storytelling.  A person that is a great storyteller is not always a great public speaker.  One person may feel comfortable telling a story to friends and family, but may freeze up in front of a large crowd.  This is another area that I learned to handle with little stress or fear.  I started speaking in front of groups of people as ASB President of Finn Hill Jr High, and then continued as Youth of the Year for the Kirkland Boys and Girls Club.  Since I was 15 years old, I have had no problem taking the microphone and being the MC, giving a toast or performing a ceremony.

A great public speaker does not always take their skills to the next level, inspiring those listening.  When a great public speaker inspires the listeners, they leave thinking more deeply about a topic, or leave with a sense of action.  They will want to make a positive change in their own lives, or the lives of others.  They will want to do more, say more or create more.  An inspiring speaker leaves an impression.

Recently I have been told that I am having this impact on others, but it is not because of me.  It is because of you!  My readers, supporters and cancer fighters.

I spoke at the Great West Relay Summit in October about the inspiration you all gave me to lead a healthier life, and change my life for the better.  I spoke about the 127 people that sponsored my weight loss and then the encouragement along the way that you all gave me.  I spoke of the donations you all made, and how many lives will be saved by your generosity.  The response has been incredible!

I have been asked to tell your story at numerous Relay events.  And every time, Relayers tell me that they are inspired to do more, to think outside the box and make a bigger difference in their own lives and the lives around them.

I am a storyteller that is not afraid to speak in front of large groups.  I am telling your story of support, and it is inspiring others.  Thank you for making a larger impact in this world than you thought you were with your donation!

For A Reason

Everything happens for a reason.

Have you heard that before?  Did you believe it?  Do you tell yourself that when things don't happen the way you want? Or do you tell yourself that when things do go the way you want?  Did you agree with the people from whom you heard it?  Or did you mock it as a trite phrase to make people feel better about the crap in their life?

In my life, I have gone back and forth on this one.  At certain times in my life, I have whole heartedly believed that everything happens for a reason.  While at other times, I have ridiculed the idea.  Looking back at a few events in my life now, I must say that I believe that everything happens for a reason.  I am here, with my life experiences under my belt, and each one happened for a reason.  They have formed me, and those around me.

I threw away my first recruiting letter from Linfield College.  I thought I was too good for them, and I should be at a bigger school, but then their coach came to my school and convinced me to make a trip.  I cancelled all of my other scheduled trips after visiting Linfield, and I believe that I was supposed to be a Wildcat.  I met some of the best people I know while going to school there and received an individualized education.  I could not imagine attending any other college.

Six years ago I chose to sell my condo in Bothell and move to Oregon.  And although I lost my shirt(and pants for that matter) on the condo I bought in Beaverton, I feel like I was supposed to be at Stoller Middle School that year.  I feel that there were a few kids in that class that I was meant to teach. I made connections with those kids and changed their views on math and education in general.  Additionally, I was meant to spend a great deal of time with my friends as they entered their initial parental years.  I was meant to be there to help and support them, but I was also supposed to see them grow as people and parents.  This changed my perspectives on many things and has formed me as a person.

There is a reason I am back at Leota Junior High.  There is a reason I sought treatment for my depression.  There is a reason I made life changes to be more healthy.  There is a reason I am writing this, and there is a reason you are reading it.  Accept it, believe it and react to it positively.

Reason to Relay

You have all heard me speak about my reason to Relay, or you read about it on my blog last Spring.  A student at my school participated in her first Relay For Life last year, and this year she will be speaking at our school's first Relay meeting. She asked me to read her draft and provide her feedback.  I am sharing her words, with her permission.

____________________________________________________

Hi.

I am not much for public speaking so just avoid eye contact and it will all be just fine. ;)

My name is Allison. I am in 8th grade. I am 13 years old, and have two brothers, 2 chickens, a dog, 1 fish, and I had cancer. Ugg... I hate that word, cancer.  I participated in Relay For Life last year and it was an experience I would never forget.  Walking my first Survivor Lap was a moment that is irreplaceable.  I walked with my whole family, my team was cheering me on, and I couldn’t help but smile! This smile was an honest smile, the smile that you try so hard to hold in but it sneaks out. This wasn't a posed smile in a photo, but 100% REAL! That is what Relay For Life is all about; it is REAL people coming to support REAL Survivors, to remember REAL loved ones, and to raise a REAL lot of money for a REAL bad disease. That is why I Relay!

I am participating in the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life because I want to make a HUGE difference in the fight against cancer!

Almost everyone has been touched by cancer, either through their own personal battle or through someone they love.

When I was 9 months old, I was diagnosed with liver cancer. I am now 13 years old and 12 years cancer free! How great is that?!

I am so glad that the doctors found my cancer when I was young. Early detection was key to saving my life. Also because of that, I don't remember any of the treatment itself, but I do remember the aftercare. What aftercare is for those who don’t know, it is the process after cancer is in remission to make sure it never EVER comes back, and it also meant a lot of hospital visits. Yes, it was hard going in every week for quite some time getting tests done, and I don’t want ANYONE to have to go through that. THAT IS WHY I AM RELAYING!

On December 10th 2012, about a week ago, my mom told the family that she was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer. It is scary, I don’t know how to handle it. A few days later she went to the doctor and they said that she won't have to go through chemo, and surgery, but that simple radiation will cure it. Thank Goodness. 

If you are thinking, Cancer is everywhere right now. Lots of people have it, so lots of money is already being raised, so why should I even raise $100? I will tell you why, because $100 can save a life! 

I used to think, "Why me?"  But NOW I know that I had cancer and survived for a reason. I am not ashamed to say, "YES, I am a survivor!"

Please join a Relay team or make a donation to help the American Cancer Society to create a world with less cancer and more birthdays. Together, we can help make sure that cancer never steals or ruins another year of anyone’s life.

I posted this last year as well...

It's Not Easy Being Santa
By Rick Reilly

It's that time of year again, when our thoughts turn to that lovable plus-sized elf with the ruddy red cheeks, the white hair and the belly of jelly, the one who never needs an airplane.

John Madden.

No, actually, Santa Claus.

This holiday season the morals of a lot of athletes are lower than flounder droppings. The other day I heard a worried announcer say, "What must kids think of the way we adults are behaving?" But you really can't ask kids because when a kid is asked a question by an adult, the only thing the kid thinks is, How huge are this man's nostrils?

Kids trust Santa, though. They'll tell Santa anything. So I set out to conduct the Santa Sports Survey. Disguised as Saint Nick, I would spend 90 minutes at each of three Boys & Girls Clubs in metro Denver. I loaded the trunk with toys and trinkets, borrowed a Santa suit from the Cherry Creek Mall and called Susen Mesco of Amerevents.com, which runs one of the best Santa Schools in the country.

"Don't play Santa," she advised. "Be Santa."

She also said something odd. "Never ask what the children want for Christmas." Huh? "Ask, What would you like to tell Santa? Because a lot of times, what they want has nothing to do with toys. For instance, what will you do if a child says, 'Santa, I want you to bring my mommy back to life'?"

(Silence)

"You say, 'Sorry, Santa can't do that. But you know what? Sometimes our sleigh flies so high, we pass right by heaven. What do you want to tell your mom, and I'll give her a message.'"

I wasn't sure I was ready for this.

The clubs were all in poor sections of the city. At each club I was given a room and about 70 squirmy kids, ages six to 10. And right away I learned something -- I make a lousy Santa.

"Who are you?" one girl asked.

"Since when does Santa drive a sedan?" a boy said, suspiciously.

"Uh, that hurts," another girl said as I tried to tickle her.

One kid wanted to know how old I was. "Just turned 1,310," I said. He went Frisbee-eyed. I said, "I know, I don't look that old."

"No, you do," he said.

One little girl wanted to know where Rudolph was. "Rudolph pulled a hammy," I said. "This year the sleigh is going to be guided by Sylvester, from the temp agency."

(Blank stare)

I kept trying to ask my state-of-sports questions, but I might as well have been asking about pork-belly futures. Not one of them knew about Barry Bonds's BALCO connection. In fact, if I were running baseball, I'd be worried. Not one kid had a favorite ballplayer. Not one of them wanted a bat or glove. Few of them even had favorite pros in any sport: Local hero Carmelo Anthony of the Nuggets was mentioned the most, followed by two Philadelphia stars, Terrell Owens of the Eagles and Allen Iverson of the Sixers. The athletes the kids most wanted to spend time with were their dads.

"Could you bring me a fishing pole so my daddy will take me fishing with him?" one little girl asked. Another wanted a soccer ball, "'cause I think my dad would play soccer with me then."

I kept trying to hit them with survey questions like, "Do you view athletes as role models in this age of ...," and they kept hitting me with real life.

"Santa, for Christmas could you make the bill collectors stop coming?" one boy said. "It makes my mom cry."

A little girl said, "Santa, could you bring us a new house? The one we have now leaks all the time."

Lots of kids wanted hats and shoes and coats. "I want clothes," said one boy. What kind? "The warm kind," he said.

Another kid wanted to be an NBA star and make "a million dollars."

"What would you spend it on?" I asked.

"Doctors," she said, "for my cousin. She's four. She has cancer."

I told one seven-year-old boy, "Last year I came by and you were still awake, so I had to go do Dallas first until you fell asleep. So this year I want you to go right to sleep."

And he said, "That's not true, Santa. Last year you forgot my house."

I learned nothing new about sports, but plenty about how spoiled my life was, how Scroogish my spirit, how narrow my vision.

One somber eight-year-old girl was making her first visit to the club. She'd been sent from another state to live with her uncles because there were "issues" at home. She looked as if somebody had just sat on her birthday cake.

"What can Santa make you this Christmas?" I asked her.

She turned and looked at me with huge, hopeful eyes.
"Happy?" she asked.

Be Santa.

Pickled Almonds

Tracking my calories consistently has been one of my struggles since school started back up three months ago.  Finding the time to track them could be an excuse because this school year seems to be the busiest one of my career thus far, but that would be a lie.  Using myfitnesspal on my phone is too quick and easy for time to be my issue.  I planned my meals so well, that I know exactly what my calories are could also be reason to not track consistently, and not only is that a lie, but a lie that I was believing.

One cup of oatmeal, 300 calories.  Tablespoon of raw sugar on my oatmeal, 15 calories.  Fuge Greek Yogurt, 120 calories.  And that is a somewhat typical breakfast, 435 calories.

Two slices of Sara Lee 45 Cal Wheat Bread, 90 calories.  One serving of Extra Crunchy Skippy, 190 calories.  One serving of Grape Jelly, 50 calories.  One sliced Red Bell Pepper, 40 calories.  One medium apple, 90 calories.  1/4 cup Almonds, 180 calories.  And that is a typical lunch, 640 calories.

Radams Custom Salad, 485 calories.  Too many ingredients to list, is a typical dinner.

Nu Go Bar, 170 calories.  Cliff Bar, 240 calories. Are typical snacks.

One day total of 1970 calories.  Right around my goal of 2000 a day to lose weight at a healthy pace.

So what is the problem?  Why am I continuing to struggle with putting a few pounds back on?

This week I became diligent in tracking my calories on myfitnesspal once again.  The results were a surprise, but then not a surprise.  We have all heard of grazing.  The little bites here and there that we put into our mouth and think nothing of at the time.  The small morsels that when they stand alone would be considered healthy, but when added up over a day can be the difference in gaining or losing weight.

While my oatmeal was cooking, I would munch on a few almonds because "a little extra protein in the morning will kick-start my metabolism."  When I got home from work I would have a 10-12 pickled asparagus spears, or green olives because "at five calories a piece, they won't kill me, and it's vegetables." I was having a beer, or glass of wine with dinner because, "I worked my ass off at work and I deserve it."  Of course I mean two or three drinks...Ugh!

These little bites, small morsels and "deserved" beverages added up to more calories consumed than votes were counted for legalizing marijuana.  I was taking on uncounted calories like the Titanic was taking on water.  And I was pretending there was not a problem, just like the crew of the Titanic did for the first hour of its demise.  Hopefully, I can grab some buckets and start bailing pickled asparagus spears, almonds and unwarranted beverages from my calorie count before this weight loss ship sinks to its demise.

Not Quite Shame, But Close

Responding to my subtle calls for help, friends now sit and wait for me to reply to their gentle words of care and concern.  Waiting for a hint that I am still in this life-change process.  Some praying for my strength and focus to return to its previous form.  To those friends, an answer is in the works, and I owe you for forcing me to search.  I owe you for being there, without being "Up In There."

Myfitnesspal, the web-based system with a phone app that I have used to track my food, has been missing me apparently.  Some friends have noticed that I have not logged on much lately and sent me gentle reminders.  My favorite was a message that just read, "If you bite it, write it."  Followed soon after with a, "Go Dawgs!"

A few friends that have been checking my blog have sent text messages that have asked if I have found my "weigh" and wondered if I needed help finding it because they have search lights and know a guy with a hound dog.  Another friend blamed me for his lack of sleep because according to him, he is staying up late listening for the glass ceiling to break.

Still a few more have reached out further and sent me encouraging FB messages, and asked about talking soon, or meeting.  I fight off the lump in my throat and watery eyes each time I read them.

Yet, I have not replied.  I have realized, while searching for my reply, that I have not lost my way entirely.  I have created some healthy habits and changed my life-style enough that I will not go back to the way I was before.  I don't even look at certain foods anymore.  I walk to talk to people at work instead of emailing or calling. It's more fun to see them, and I get more steps in my day.  My fruits and veggies are still way up from before and my meats and oils are still down.  I have not put back on a ton of weight, just 10 pounds.

I was reaching a low mentally. Not quite shame, which comes with some ugly eating, but it was close.  Those people that have reached out, kept me from that tipping point.  Thank you!

Time to pay you back with some healthy living!

What Am I Doing?

I feel like I have lost my "weigh."  I cannot see my "weigh" through this rut that I am in.  I cannot decide if I am on a slippery slope of destruction, or hitting a bump in the road on my "weigh" towards achieving my goals.  Where is my plan? Where is my diligence? Where is my follow through?

I wrote about breaking that glass ceiling.  I planned to make a change and set things in a forward motion once again.  I envisioned myself leaping at a 100 pounds lost.  I lost my "weigh."

I could list the excuses, but that helps nothing.

Work, Relay, family, friends, birthday, life...What are they if I am not at my best?

I have put nearly 10 pounds back on just in the last 3 weeks.  Wake up Ryan. You need you.

Glass Ceiling at 90?

Plateau: high elevation, low relief

I remember that definition from my 8th grade Social Studies class.  I thought it was odd to have a definition in which I would need to look up another word to know what it meant.  Who, besides Geologists, uses the word relief to mean variations in elevation for an area of earth?  Yeah, that's what it means.

Today, plateau for me is defined by the number 90.  As in, I have been down 90 pounds since June. My progress to get to 90 was fast and furious!  90 pounds in seven months, and it felt like I could lose 100 by the end of July.  Then over the summer a few things happened.  I am guessing these things can explain the plateau.  I started hiking about once a week, which started to rebuild muscles in my legs that had been dormant for quite sometime. My John Deere riding lawnmower broke down and my Dad loaned me a push mower, with no drive feature, to use on my acreage. Pushing that Toro over molehills and holes started to build muscles in my chest, shoulders and back that have not been used since my football playing days.

We've all heard that muscle weighs more than fat, so I was assuming that I was losing fat and gaining muscle.  The ideal situation for someone trying to be more healthy.  But seeing that same number for days, weeks and months starts to grind at that part of the brain that motivates me to keep going.  Am I not eating healthy enough?  Is all of this effort worth staying at the same weight?  Do I stop hiking just so I see that number change?  Do I have balance in my habits?

School started for me in the middle of August, and I felt that this is my chance to get back into my consistent eating habits.  My meals will be more planned out, and at similar times each day. My body will kick back into gear.  This is what I need to get the ball rolling again.

Well if you read my last few posts, you saw that life reached hectic, high-stress-level-craziness.  And I caught myself stress eating a few times.  I am also giving myself, upon reflection, too many "free days."  I have tickets to Huskies Football, and I tailgate with a great group of people. (Shout out to the Dawg Sled!)  On those days, I allow myself to go over my calorie count.  I mean OVER my calorie count!  So at school, I feel like I am doing well, but I am not allowing myself to maintain that on weekends.

Life's struggles are hitting me right now.  I need to refocus, and make a change.  The good thing about a glass ceiling is, glass breaks. Look out below!  Glass is gonna be falling soon!

Roll My Eyes and Si(gh)

Wielding a set of golf clubs, shoes and a hat, I drove my "Lil' Hummer" all over the great state of Washington this summer playing round after round of a game that can make a Buddhist Monk scream profanities after duffing an easy chip-shot, and make a Nihilist pray to God that his putt will drop.  I love playing golf for many reasons, none of which I will be able to put into words, because it's one of those indescribably beautiful art forms that no one will ever perfect.

What about Tiger ten years ago, or Rory now?  No, they have not perfected their golf game, and you know that each time they are interviewed.  "Rory, you won by 10 strokes! You must be happy with the way things went today?"  "Well, yeah Bill, but there are a couple of shots that I wouldn't mind having back to try again."  And there you have it.  A human's pursuit of perfection is not based on victory. It's based on what they feel they are capable of, and humans know that they can always do better.

Last summer, most of my rounds of golf scored in the mid to upper 90's.  This summer I was 90 pounds lighter and had a new set of clubs to go with my more athletic swing.  I was excited to see what I could do with my new weapons.  One of my first rounds of the summer was at a little cheap course in North Bend, Cascade Golf Course. I had never played there before, but was happy to have the chance to warm-up my swing on a short course with wide-open fairways.  On the last few holes I knew I was playing pretty well, and I was lucky with a few good bounces, but I was shocked to see an 86 on my scorecard at the end of the day.  I had only scored less than 90 once in my career before this day, and now I did in one of my first rounds of the summer?  In the back of my head, I knew the short, flat course with almost no hazards helped keep my score low, but I was jacked!

I stood for a moment and reflected on why I was so happy.  Was it because I beat Matt Mantie, a buddy who had been whooping me for years?  Was it just seeing a low number on the card?  Was it that I now had ammo to talk smack with other golfing buddies?  No. It was bigger.

I worked hard for six months to turn my health around.  I learned how to grocery shop for healthy foods, how to prepare them, when in the day to eat them and how to take simple steps to burn more calories in the day.  I lost 90 pounds, my cholesterol dropped 75 points, I was feeling healthy, and now I was playing golf better than I ever thought I could.  As I stood there thinking, I looked up at Mt. Si; a mountain I used to be able to hike with ease.  But I have not been able to hike in 8 years because my body was too heavy to carry up that trail.

I looked up at the peak and made a promise to myself that I would climb that mountain again, this summer!  I felt proud for making the goal, then cheesy for feeling proud...I rolled my eyes, gave myself a deep Si(gh), and walked to the car.

View from the top of Mt. Si on September 3rd, last day of the summer vacation, with Chris Harrison.

Long Time No Post

Starting school up this year has been completely different than previous years.  A colleague and I were selected for a training in order to start a program called WEB (Where Everyone Belongs). The program is designed to empower the older students in the school to be positive mentors for incoming 7th graders, and to set the tone for their time here at Leota JH.  The entire first of day school is based on the absence of adults and the WEB Leaders do most of the work with the 7th graders.

Developing a program such as this takes a great deal of time, energy and resources.  My colleague and I gave up 4 days of our Spring Break last year to go to the training, and several more days this summer in order to ensure this program's success.  The last three weeks have been a whirlwind that I have not quite recovered from yet.  I stopped tracking my food for about a week, and I felt myself "stress-eating" a couple of times.  I have felt myself slipping, but I have not fallen.

Once this first week of school is completely done, I will have time to reflect on my summer, settle into school, and fill you in on my plans for the year.  Sorry for the long break in posts (for those of you still checking in...).

Single Malt Irish

A person does not get to be 34 years old and single without friends and family questioning, if only in their minds, the reasons for which one is single.  Especially a person whose longest relationship has been 8 weeks.  Is he a commitment-phobe?  Is he self-sabotaging possible relationships? Could it be both?  Does he just have no "game"? Is he damaged goods?  I am sure the question, "Is he gay?" has been uttered a time or two.

Dating today seems too casual in my opinion.  Maybe it was my addiction to TV and movies growing up, but I feel like even a first date should be with someone with whom you are excited about spending time. The build up to asking someone out should have the suspense of the final vault by the gymnast in second place in the All-Around competition. (Sorry. The Olympics are everywhere right now.)  The palms should be sweaty.  The butterflies in the belly. Blood rushing,...somewhere that makes you a little light-headed. That's where the excitement is first generated in a relationship.

Today, people browse profiles, get set-up by family and friends or start dating after a drunk hook-up. Each of these methods are fine and work for some, but not for me.  Browsing profiles takes the thrill out for me, and when someone does not even reply to a 'wink' or email, that is worse than someone saying no in person. It is efficient though. You can look through a lot of not-so-great, in order to get to great. But I still think of online profiles as a Toyota Camry. Reliable but not inspiring.

Getting set-up by friends and family has the opposite effect for me.  Dating should have a little stress, and nervousness. That is good. That is kinda fun, but knowing that there are people sitting at home, who set you up, watching the clock, wondering how it's going and talking about our potential relationship just freaks me out. It takes the fun away, and makes me feel like I will be letting not only myself and my date down if I do or say the wrong thing, but also the people at home living vicariously through the set-up.

And drunk hook-ups, come on. If you know me, this is not how I roll. 

So maybe I am a commitment-phobe. Maybe I am damaged goods. But I believe the excitement and thrill is out there for me. So until then, I will be might sweet self.  Living Single Malt Irish!