Losing Me, Finding Myself

Losing Me, Finding Myself

It’s not original. I did not seek out and steal a name for my blog, but after I thought of it and used it, I found that several others have used the same title for their work. I don’t remember hearing it before I started this, but I may have and then it stuck in my subconscious until the moment I typed it. That’s not the point. I chose Losing Me, Finding Myself because I felt that I had lost myself over the years. I mentioned in the post titled “What We Feel, But Do Not Tell,” that when I was deeply depressed I felt like I had to put on the “Ryan Show” when I was out of my house so people would not suspect that I was hurting so much inside. This “show” was tiresome. Physically and emotionally exhausting. But I think the “show” started long before my depression.

In school the pressure to be cool, popular and have friends was intense. I don’t think everyone felt the pressure, and if they did, they kept it to themselves. I felt it, and I found myself trying be what others thought I should be, or say what others thought I should say. Finding a balance between doing the cool thing, and being myself became difficult and often I lost track of where that line was in relation to my actions. Around some friends I was the foul-mouthed jokester that would mock anything that moved. Around other friends I was the compassionate nice guy that would listen and try to help out in any way. It was awkward for me when I felt like I had to play the two roles at the same time if I were around a group of people.

Humor became the common avenue I could use no matter who was around. I just had to scale up, or scale down the crudeness, rudeness or profanity of the joke depending on who was around. Mocking myself was not only funny, but also a defense mechanism. I felt like I needed to make fun of my weight before someone else did so they were less likely to do so. Chris Farley was the fat-funny-guy of the time, so I took on his actions and words because it made for quick and easy jokes. The balance between being myself and trying to be the fat-funny-guy definitely was lost.

Being a giant to most people I know also grew into my persona. I needed to be the guy to take on food challenges because fat-guys eat a lot! Right?!?! I ate an entire Extra Large Meat Lovers Pizza and a pint of ice cream to prove I could. I ate the 7.5-pound Burrito from Gordito’s in 18 minutes. Then when a student said he beat my time, I went back and raced him. I ate it again in 5 minutes and 34 seconds. I ate for the Burger Cycle. Single Burger, Double Burger, Triple Burger and Quad Burger. All of them with cheese! I cleared the entire Dick’s Drive-in menu in one night. And that includes having two Dick's Deluxe along the way. WTH!

Somewhere along the way, even when not presented with a challenge, I felt like I had to eat the most. When I went out to dinner with friends or family, I did not look at the menu for what sounded good. I looked at the menu for what would give me the most food.  My eating was like a 19 year old picking out his drinks at his first Frat Party. “What will get me the most drunk?” I wanted what would get me the most food-drunk.

These challenges do not make a person feel good.  You end up feeling like crap.  Forget exercise the next few days.  Your body needs time to process all those meats, preservatives and sodium.  I remember being able to step into a pick-up basketball game and hang for at least a little while.  After years of food challenges and herniated discs, I could not step into car without breathing harder.

Over the past 6 months I have shared a lot of my personal history with you.  I have shared my struggles, my victories and lessons learned.  I feel like sharing honestly with all of you has helped me find more of myself.  Just like Heather Sinclair helped me find my way to teaching.  Just like my counselor helped me find my correct thought processes.  Just like the Pear taught me that there are great foods that I have not tried yet.   And each of you, my family, my friends, and my supporters helping me find the person I am meant to be in life. 

I don’t need to be the fat-funny guy.  Funny guy will do just fine. J  I don’t need to be the challenge eater.  I will be the guy who brings his own healthy food to the party. (The one I used to mock!) I don’t need to hide my struggles and pain.  I will be the guy that shares too much and makes it awkward for everyone else because I know that bottling it up will make me want to eat away the struggles.  I will be a better me!

I don’t think I have found myself completely, but I am going to keep shedding the pounds until I find myself.  I am going to continue my weight-loss plan after this weigh-in.  I don’t have a specific goal in mind, but I know it will require support from those around me.  So if you want to keep reading, I am going to keep blogging after today.  This in itself is therapeutic. Plus, if you remember “Athletes: The Good Kind” if I can keep the weight off or lose more, one of the most generous people I know will match everything I raise this year for next year!  Thank you for the continued motivation Adam Eaton!

This is getting to be a long post!  I bet a lot of people skipped the post and went straight to the number. J  Oh well, I love ya for wanting to share in my success and for your generous donations. If you would like me to send you an email with your total amount “owed”, please let me know.  I put owed in quotes because I am not going to hold anyone’s feet to the fire on these donations.  I lost more weight than some of you thought when you signed on, and you may not have realized that I could have lost this much.  Also, I am already going to set a fundraising record for the Northshore Relay Event, so I am not going to worry about who and how much and …blah, blah.

Use this link to go directly to my fundraising page and donate.  This is a secure site, and is pretty easy to use.  If you would like my mailing address, please let me know.

Thanks to everyone again and again! 

I have lost 10 lbs since May 1^st for a Grand Total of 85 POUNDS!!  According to my crazy math, your generosity has helped raise $15,045 for cancer research and patient support!!  If I throw in my Wine vs.Cancer money, my total should reach over $20,000 this week!!

You Say No. I Can't Say It.

Learning to say no can be difficult.  For me saying no can be harder than eating 10 Saltine Crackers and whistling. More difficult than taking down a spoon full of cinnamon. More challenging than jumping rope on a Pogo stick.  And tougher than watching a child hit a whiffle ball into their father’s privates and not laugh.  I am not saying that I never say no.  When I don’t have a choice in the matter, or I already have a commitment, I can say no without worry.  But lately my ability to say no has been derailed by sincere requests for help.

Every Wednesday I offer free tutoring to all of my students.  I tell them from the first week if school, “I will stay after school for 2 hours every Wednesday and help anyone that has questions.”  Early in the school year, I don’t get many takers.  A couple of A-students wanting to earn Brownie-points will stay, and then maybe one or two kids that actually need help.  When the D/F grades start showing up on progress reports, the parents start to calling and emailing.  I mention Want Help Wednesdays and all of a sudden I have 20 kids in my room on Wednesdays.  It’s hard to give every kid the attention they deserve.

A couple of months ago I was meeting with one of my 9^th graders who I had been worried about because all Alg 1 students need to pass an End Of Course Exam in order to graduate from high school.  Oh and next year, they all have to pass a Geometry End Of Course Exam to graduate high school.   I am not going to hop on my Soap Box now, but these High-Stakes Tests are a bunch of B.S.!  Anywho, this kid has not passed a state test since the 3^rd grade, and I need to get her to pass the Alg 1 EOC.  We were discussing how I could help her, and she said that she could not come on Wednesdays because she has other Wednesday commitments, but she asked if she could stay on Mondays.  So, here I have a 15-year-old student who is willing to give up 2 hours of her own time to stay and work on math. How can I say no? 

Turns out, kids talk.  I now have 7 kids that stay every Monday for 2 hours.  I had to limit Mondays to just my Alg 1 students who did not pass the state test last year. (I have a lot more than 7 students who did not pass the state test last year, but these are the ones that are willing to stay and are able to get rides home.) Otherwise I would have 20+ students like I do on Wednesdays.  I also have one student that can only stay every other Friday due to divorced parents and house hopping.  I can’t say no to a kid that is willing to give up their Fridays to get better at math, can I?

Then there is Relay For Life.  Just in the month of May I can count 22 days in which I had at least one Relay meeting, fundraiser, speaking engagement or obligation.  A lot of those days had multiple meetings, or they took up most of the day.  “Hey Ryan, we are having fundraiser and it would be great if you could come give the opening remarks and talk about the Northshore Relay and the good work ACS is doing?”  How do I say no to that?

Sleep has been an afterthought.  Exercise has been non-existent.  Luckily, myfitnesspal keeps my eating somewhat under control.   This has not been my healthiest month, but life can get like this, and I feel like I have done well under the circumstances.

One thing that helps me when life gets this tough is knowing that I have an army of supporters behind me. People that are willing to sponsor my weight-loss, give me eating tips, exercise tips, go on a hike with me, walk with me and talk me through the rough patches.  I may already sound like a broken record, but I thank you for giving me the motivation, the encouragement and belief that I can make this life-change come true.  Thank you!

My final weigh-in post will be coming tomorrow. Check back!

One more thing: Relay For Life is on June 2^nd and I would love it if you all came by to see the amazing work my committee has done to make this event happen.  I may not be able to talk to you as much as I would like because I will be running around in full stress mode, but I would still love to see you there.  I also know that I have a few readers that are cancer survivors. Please, please come walk in the Survivor Lap!  It’s how we start Relay, and YOU are the reason we Relay!  Survivors take the first lap, and 1000 people honor your fight by cheering you on.  You may not like to receive the attention, but it is powerful and makes our time and effort worth it to see so many survivors on the track.  If you know any survivors, please ask them to come walk with us!  I don’t care if they don’t live in Northshore. Bring them and share in this amazing event.  Survivors can register to walk the opening lap with the link below.  We want you to register so we can have a shirt and gift for you.  Please, please sign up all survivors!

www.relayforlife.org/northshorewa

The Final Days, Or The Start

Saturday is my big weigh-in and I am feeling a bit scared. I'll be honest (because I haven't been honest at all on this blog), I am completely frightened of what will happen after Saturday. Do I have what it takes to keep this going?

I have spoken to many people about how much I have learned in this process. I expressed that I was surprised at simplicity of losing the weight. Eat less, exercise more. Stick to it. I have rambled on and on that I know I can continue my healthy eating habits well after this Saturday, but the truth is, I'm scared.

I have lost weight before and I put it back on. I have felt like an athlete before and ended up on my couch like a bump on a log. I am already thinking about what I will eat on Sunday! Am I going to throw all this hard work away?

I lay in bed and type this on my phone wondering, are these the final days, or the start to a lifetime of a better me?

I'm scared

I Have An App For That

I should be a spokesman for myfitnesspal.

Umm, yeah.

A Different Kind of Weight

There is an old SNL skit with Jay Mohr, Chris Farley and some other guys in which they were talk show hosts. The topic of the show was weight lifting and all of the hosts had these padded sweatshirts on to make their upper body look massive and then sticking out from the chairs were fake little chicken legs that flopped around when they yelled. They would take call-in questions and begin every conversation with, "What 'cha bench?" The skit basically made fun of guys that feel that being ripped makes them more of a man. The skit always ended with all of the hosts having a 'Roid-rage.'

I think of that skit sometimes when I am tempted to talk about my lifting days while playing football. My job on the field was to protect my QB and running back by tossing around 250-300lb men. It required some strength and a lot if technique. In the off season I would lift five days a week and during the season three days a week.

The reason I bring this up, I am approaching my playing weight from my freshman year of college. It's not a low weight and not where I want to end up, but it is a benchmark number for me. I also realize that back then, I had a lot more muscle than I do now. So the number on the scale may read the same very soon, but it's a different kind of weight. I still have a lot more fat than I did then. I will be proud when I reach it, but it will also be a reminder that I can do even better.

Here's to reaching a benchmark and knowing it's just a marker of better things to come!

May Madness

10 days since my last post.  I did not realize it had been so long.  Numerous new adventures are in full motion right now, and I recognized my lack of writing only after being prompted by a few people who were missing their afternoon distraction from work, that is my blog.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a training I attended at Skamania Lodge over Spring Break.  That training, the best I have ever been to, was for a program that I am helping kick start at my school called WEB (Where Everyone Belongs).  We train student leaders who will run the 7th grade orientation for new students, and teach them how to be great junior high students.  It is a program that continues throughout the school year with check-ins with new students and fun activities to keep them involved in the school.  It will be amazing, but starting the program is a great deal of work.

Relay For Life fundraisers are constantly happening throughout the month of May and as the event chair, I have a hand in most of them.  I was a judge in a Battle of the Bands, my committee and I organized a Garage Sale for 20 teams, I help promote jewelry sales, bake sales, Jamba Juice sales, auctions, sweatshirt sales, raffles and candle parties.  Each fundraiser usually comes with a planning meeting with me, supplies needed from me, and a post event meeting with me.

Then I have my own fundraisers that I am running.  I had a "booth" at last week's garage sale, which was great!  Thank you to my Mom, the VanGerpens, Ric and Cathy and the Baer family for their donations to my sales. Special thanks to Rich VanGerpen for lending me his truck and trailer for the day, and for prepping them, loading them and cleaning them up once I returned them to you in a less than perfect state. :)

This Saturday (5/12) I have Wine vs Cancer from 2-4pm at Baer Winery in Woodinville.  This is the 3rd time I have held this fundraiser and it gets better every year!  More wineries have donated this year than ever before, and more people have RSVP'd than ever before.  I can't express how much great wine we have this year.  The price of a tasting at a winery is $5, and if you come to this event, you get to taste up to 20 of Washington's Best Wines for $25!  Special thanks to Baer for hosting again, Chris and Kristin for being our food and wine experts, Adam Eaton for generously donating from his own wine cellar and a round of golf at Sahalee Country Club for 3!  Please come by, all are welcome.

Throughout all of these new adventures, I am finding the time to eat healthy.  I am dedicated to using myfitnesspal everyday and making sure I am meeting my nutritional goals.  I have not weighed in since May 1st, and I won't until May 25th.  I don't think I will hit my last goal of 90 pounds lost, but I am not stopping after May 25th either.  I may not stop until I reach 125 pounds lost...stay tuned.

Not So New, But New

Relay For Life of Northshore is having a Garage Sale this Saturday at Pop Keeney in Bothell from 10am-2pm.  Yes, it was a shameless plug, but it is also the start to my blog topic for today.

Riffling through my Mom's garage looking for items that I could take to the Relay garage sale, I found two bags of clothes that I had been storing there since the tree fell on my house 16 months ago.  These were clothes that I either outgrew, as in I was too fat for, or I purchased online and when they arrived, I could not get my fat-ass into them.  A lot of them were brand new, with tags still on them.

I took them home and sorted them into piles.  One pile, crap to get rid of.  Another, still need to lose more weight.  And the third pile, holy crap this looks good, and I can fit into it now!  Needless to say, I am very excited to have some new, but not new clothes to wear.  I was worried about the in-between stages of my weight-loss where I didn't want to buy a new wardrobe, but the bagginess of my current clothes looked a bit ridonkulous.  I debated on throwing these clothes out after the tree fell because, "I won't be that small ever again..."  But now they fit.  It feels good!

Today was my 2nd to last weigh-in.  I will not weigh-in again until May 25th, the last day of this fundraiser.  Not even an unofficial weigh-in to check myself.  I want that last number to be a surprise!  After May 25th, that's when you all need to pay up. :)  You will have one week from the final weigh-in to the day of Relay to get your donations in.  I am not going to hold anyone's feet to the fire on the donation amount.  If I lost more than you had thought I would, don't worry about the donation amount.  I appreciate the motivation you gave me, and the support along the way.  I owe my life to each one of you. Thank you for helping me find myself!

Today's weigh-in, I dropped 5 pounds for a total of 75 pounds lost!  What can I do in the final 25 days?!?!?!