Losing Me, Finding Myself

Losing Me, Finding Myself

It’s not original. I did not seek out and steal a name for my blog, but after I thought of it and used it, I found that several others have used the same title for their work. I don’t remember hearing it before I started this, but I may have and then it stuck in my subconscious until the moment I typed it. That’s not the point. I chose Losing Me, Finding Myself because I felt that I had lost myself over the years. I mentioned in the post titled “What We Feel, But Do Not Tell,” that when I was deeply depressed I felt like I had to put on the “Ryan Show” when I was out of my house so people would not suspect that I was hurting so much inside. This “show” was tiresome. Physically and emotionally exhausting. But I think the “show” started long before my depression.

In school the pressure to be cool, popular and have friends was intense. I don’t think everyone felt the pressure, and if they did, they kept it to themselves. I felt it, and I found myself trying be what others thought I should be, or say what others thought I should say. Finding a balance between doing the cool thing, and being myself became difficult and often I lost track of where that line was in relation to my actions. Around some friends I was the foul-mouthed jokester that would mock anything that moved. Around other friends I was the compassionate nice guy that would listen and try to help out in any way. It was awkward for me when I felt like I had to play the two roles at the same time if I were around a group of people.

Humor became the common avenue I could use no matter who was around. I just had to scale up, or scale down the crudeness, rudeness or profanity of the joke depending on who was around. Mocking myself was not only funny, but also a defense mechanism. I felt like I needed to make fun of my weight before someone else did so they were less likely to do so. Chris Farley was the fat-funny-guy of the time, so I took on his actions and words because it made for quick and easy jokes. The balance between being myself and trying to be the fat-funny-guy definitely was lost.

Being a giant to most people I know also grew into my persona. I needed to be the guy to take on food challenges because fat-guys eat a lot! Right?!?! I ate an entire Extra Large Meat Lovers Pizza and a pint of ice cream to prove I could. I ate the 7.5-pound Burrito from Gordito’s in 18 minutes. Then when a student said he beat my time, I went back and raced him. I ate it again in 5 minutes and 34 seconds. I ate for the Burger Cycle. Single Burger, Double Burger, Triple Burger and Quad Burger. All of them with cheese! I cleared the entire Dick’s Drive-in menu in one night. And that includes having two Dick's Deluxe along the way. WTH!

Somewhere along the way, even when not presented with a challenge, I felt like I had to eat the most. When I went out to dinner with friends or family, I did not look at the menu for what sounded good. I looked at the menu for what would give me the most food.  My eating was like a 19 year old picking out his drinks at his first Frat Party. “What will get me the most drunk?” I wanted what would get me the most food-drunk.

These challenges do not make a person feel good.  You end up feeling like crap.  Forget exercise the next few days.  Your body needs time to process all those meats, preservatives and sodium.  I remember being able to step into a pick-up basketball game and hang for at least a little while.  After years of food challenges and herniated discs, I could not step into car without breathing harder.

Over the past 6 months I have shared a lot of my personal history with you.  I have shared my struggles, my victories and lessons learned.  I feel like sharing honestly with all of you has helped me find more of myself.  Just like Heather Sinclair helped me find my way to teaching.  Just like my counselor helped me find my correct thought processes.  Just like the Pear taught me that there are great foods that I have not tried yet.   And each of you, my family, my friends, and my supporters helping me find the person I am meant to be in life. 

I don’t need to be the fat-funny guy.  Funny guy will do just fine. J  I don’t need to be the challenge eater.  I will be the guy who brings his own healthy food to the party. (The one I used to mock!) I don’t need to hide my struggles and pain.  I will be the guy that shares too much and makes it awkward for everyone else because I know that bottling it up will make me want to eat away the struggles.  I will be a better me!

I don’t think I have found myself completely, but I am going to keep shedding the pounds until I find myself.  I am going to continue my weight-loss plan after this weigh-in.  I don’t have a specific goal in mind, but I know it will require support from those around me.  So if you want to keep reading, I am going to keep blogging after today.  This in itself is therapeutic. Plus, if you remember “Athletes: The Good Kind” if I can keep the weight off or lose more, one of the most generous people I know will match everything I raise this year for next year!  Thank you for the continued motivation Adam Eaton!

This is getting to be a long post!  I bet a lot of people skipped the post and went straight to the number. J  Oh well, I love ya for wanting to share in my success and for your generous donations. If you would like me to send you an email with your total amount “owed”, please let me know.  I put owed in quotes because I am not going to hold anyone’s feet to the fire on these donations.  I lost more weight than some of you thought when you signed on, and you may not have realized that I could have lost this much.  Also, I am already going to set a fundraising record for the Northshore Relay Event, so I am not going to worry about who and how much and …blah, blah.

Use this link to go directly to my fundraising page and donate.  This is a secure site, and is pretty easy to use.  If you would like my mailing address, please let me know.

Thanks to everyone again and again! 

I have lost 10 lbs since May 1^st for a Grand Total of 85 POUNDS!!  According to my crazy math, your generosity has helped raise $15,045 for cancer research and patient support!!  If I throw in my Wine vs.Cancer money, my total should reach over $20,000 this week!!